Went back to my old HDB today at night. It was a very strange bittersweet feeling. Most of the residents had moved out and only a few (we only spotted about three in 13 levels) were left. It was like reliving a dream of the past - we'd moved out when I was 3 or 4 years old.

It was strange walking down 13 levels, seeing locked doors and black windows. The place seemed to be swarming with old memories of children playing along the corridors, with housewives chatting to each other while they watered their plants, with old people wasting away - cooped up in their homes watching the same programs over and over again. But there was nothing left, no one left. Only shadows of the past, empty shells of the people who once lived there infested the place. Seeing all the doors being of different styles only served to remind of the type of people who once lived there, but were now gone. The empty lifts remained open, waiting for people who would never come.

I got the strangest feeling from walking past a door saying "恭喜发财，万事如意"...

We went to the playground where I used to play as a child after kindergarten ended each day. The pelican and the tortoise and the hare were still there, but my favourite swings were gone. The deserted atmosphere of the whole place, with the empty stand for the swings, made me feel like there was a huge gaping hole in my heart. There was a brown cat which came over and started rubbing herself on my legs and I was feeling flattered before it went over to a short wall and started rubbing itself briefly on it and my mum pointed out it probably had bugs. Only then did we realise it was pregnant. But when we were leaving, the cat simply looked at us (without rubbing itself on the wall), so maybe the disappearance of the residents, the growing up of the children who used to pat the cats so lovingly, made her lonely and whenever a human came she'd go up to them it would rub itself on them, yearning for their touch. It was yet another strange thing to look back at the deserted playground with the (pregnant) cat staring back at us, and with the knowledge that life was about to be born in such a lifeless place filled with ghosts of the past and none of the living.

Saw a staircase which brought back an old, lovingly-cared-for memory of stroking a cat lying on the steps.

All these will probably be gone the next time I come back, replaced by shining, industrialized, cosmopolitan condominiums.

Such is the way of society.

为什么当你终于拥有了世界最美丽的玫瑰的时候，当你把它紧紧抱在心胸时，你得到的只是无底的刺痛，永无止境但实现不了的梦想？为什么当你终于看到了亮光，你发现出口是那么的高，永远是达不到的？

Even now I have absolutely no idea what I'm struggling about. If I'm not interested in medicine at all, or am unwilling to try for medicine, why don't I just forget about medicine and become a musician? Even as I lament about how others can be free to do whatever they want and become musicians and I can't, I suddenly realise that I can. But why am I not doing it? Why am I still struggling inside? I love music more than my life, so why am I torturing myself with the thought that in future I may end up pursuing medicine instead of music? Why don't I just ignore everything and go for music?

I've finally managed to face my failure after seven months. Yes I've been harping on my failure to get through the first round of the national piano and violin competition =.= I know I played badly, but I only know it was in terms of notes. I'd been wishing all along in my heart that they eliminated me only because of my technique and not because I didn't have enough emotions, because I don't have anymore to give, and I really don't want people to be unable to feel my love for music (because that would mean I don't love music). It's harder to learn how to play emotionally than how to play technically - it's either you have emotions or you don't.

Recently (but before the Europe trip) went to find Julie Tan. My mum told her about my not being able to get through quarter finals for the competition =.= at that point in time Julie Tan seemed to feel it was because I didn't go into details enough. She said I had the '材料' to get into YST. But still came out miserable because I was reminded by my failure to get through the first (damn) round of the competition and of my severe inability to strike conversation - and partially because I doubted details made such a difference so that they would be the only factor not letting me through the quarter finals.

More recently I went to find Mr Loh. He accepted me. I suppose this was what made me look up from my failure. I know he probably accepted me because he couldn't find the straightforwardness to turn me away. Anyway thank God though :) I don't know where I would've gone to find a teacher after that. Anyway the first two lessons I've had with him has been Hell in a nutshell. He was very nice and all, but I came out of each lesson feeling like crap :( He seems to be the opposite of wang laoshi. Wang laoshi either shouts at you or turns red in the face, but Mr Loh goes freaking cold and sarcastic. Perhaps not as sarcastic as Wang laoshi but... it's just freezing :( Well I'm sorry but my two stupid hands just don't coordinate and don't coordinate with the stupid metronome! :( AND I CAN'T PLAY WITH THE FREAKING COLD ATMOSPHERE. Okay excuses :( Truth is he made a mistake in taking me in. I'm like sandstone among the gemstones. But I really don't want to be fired. On the other hand I don't want to keep on giving him heart attacks/high blood pressure (even though I probably gave wang laoshi more high blood pressure, judging from his face - but wang laoshi's younger). And the worst thing is that I made Mr Loh wait for me last lesson =.= >.< I was in Europe and I think I didn't bring it across clearly enough... Omg. Anyway he "let it go this time". Omg omg omg it sounded so intimidating :x He smsed me at like 12 midnight to ask me why I didn't turn up for lesson - shock sia :( I was still watching movies on SIA during lesson time. AND my stupid timing meant that I smsed him back at like 01:28 am - probably when he was asleep. Omg I must remind myself never to sms in early mornings no matter how shocked I am.

And sadly, I'm SICK of my mozart and my chopin etude :( They're getting NOWHERE. My mozart is still as haphazard and sloppy as ever (and I'm genuinely losing interest in it as a bonus), and my Chopin's notes are still tripping over one another and slipping like Peiwei in concerts (stupid pun here - slipping->sleeping). And I'm starting to feel mechanical when I play the etude. ARGH. For Mr Loh's blood pressure and health, I must GANBATTE faster. AHHH.

好久没写了。最近去了奥地利，维也纳，萨尔茨堡，莱比锡和布拉格。到了那儿真的不想再回来到这个充满限制，郁闷得令人窒息的国家。遗憾的是我们并没有机会吃那儿的美食。我认为在欧洲旅游的时候，最精彩的是在莱比锡的一个演奏会。哇靠他们弹得太精美，太刺激了！！！为什么新加坡没有这么好的乐团，没有这么好的音响效果的礼堂？！我在那的时候决定会死的时候一定要在一场令人一辈子都不会忘的演奏会的尾声死去。

最近多了一些时间，人便开始多想一些过去的事情。尤其在布拉格的时候，虽然酒店破烂了一点，那边的宁静真的共人思考。那时候christina冲凉冲得超久，然后到了宋洋的房间练琴，房里没人，周围静得像只有自己生存在这世界里，总算有了点属于自己的时间。听着柳叶在微风中对彼此说悄悄话，看着孤独的小鸟在停车场里独自一个徘徊，脑海中不禁浮起了他的笑容。不知道他现在过得怎样；不知道他那具有传染力，幼稚的笑容是否还在那张脸上；不知道...他是否曾经想过我。应该是没有吧 - 这时候我忍不住笑了自己 - 多么傻（这时听到他的声音在说：“傻孩子”）。微风又吹了起来；不知来自何处的音乐随风飘起，微弱得像蜘蛛网的丝，旋律迷糊得像回忆，像童年的梦想随着长年的打击和批评变成了的阴影。这时候心中的思念和渴望又像潮水涌了上来，心里好像有了一个装不满的酒杯 - 这是第一次周围无人来分散我对他的思念，更没有钢琴来以它柔美的音律和无语的甜蜜包囊我和解去心中的难受与悲痛。泪就像逃犯，在没人在的时候，没人知道的时候钻出来。一个人的悲痛，没有人来回答。连上帝也默默无语。

只有那苦中带甜的音律。

O-KAY now the moment you have all been waiting for - a flurry of complaints and the unleashing of rage and disdain from Claire!

Let's get serious. Singapore's art culture totally sucks.

In the Chopin concerto, people started coughing right from the very beginning. AND there was someone using a laptop - Don't think you're safe down there in Circle 1 dude! I saw you with both my eyes, freaking idiot! D< It's like, the main reason I couldn't enjoy the concerto truly was because people kept coughing. It's just so hard to enjoy music when people keep coughing and dragging you unceremoniously out of the paradise of music. It's like the shock you get when you fall asleep in class and the teacher suddenly walks up to you and says your name in your ear. Throughout the whole performance I was like just wishing (and praying briefly to God at some point in time during the second movement) that people would stop coughing. I was getting super damn angry (pardon the language) and I was like just managing to keep my anger in check. So it's quite obvious it's hard to enjoy the music like that. Screwed lah! I was very angry. Really. AND someone near to me farted like two times. WALAO DAMN SMELLY LAH. He farted once during the second movement and once during the encore - the two pieces which were the most beautiful. Dang Thai Son played Chopin Nocturne in E-flat major - the one that everyone knows. That changed my perception of him quite drastically because I thought he was just another pianist who played well and used piano to gain fame. However him playing this song garnered some respect and admiration from me. I don't like pianists who try to impress and wow their audience with formidable techniques and mind-spinning leaping of hands. Those pianists are like chasing the ideals of the world instead of their own. So I prefer pianists who love a song because of the emotionality of the song or the harmony in the song to pianists who love a song because it showcases technique and bravura.

Anyway. YES this is the highlight of the concert! Luckily I wasn't the one to receive this misery (haha sorry Peiwei! :D) because I would almost certainly have been furious to the point of demanding that person to stop doing whatever she was doing. Peiwei was sitting next to a woman wearing a flowery ah-ma t-shirt. As if that wasn't bad enough, that aunty took off her shoes and crossed her legs and put her bare foot on the barricade in front of us (we were the first row of circle 2). I was quite bothered by it even from two seats away and you can imagine the torture poor Peiwei had to go through. The conversation during the intermission is as follows:

Me: (talking all the way from Dang Thai Son finished playing his encore and getting up from my seat in the circle) Singapore's arts culture is seriously damn suck lah! All the people kept coughing! Why can't they eat mints or lozenges or something? Then got people... (blah blah blah)
PW: Ya lor. Just now want to do standing ovation also don't dare. You see just now all those who did standing ovation were Caucasians. (and only 3 of them in total, and stood up for less then 10 seconds) I wanted to do standing ovation also don't dare!!! Then had to resort to cheering...
Me: You never tell me you want to do standing ovation! Then we can do together!!!! AHHHH
PW: You know hor, you saw this person next to me who put her foot up right?
Me: *burst out into voracious laughter and earned a few stares* Ya. HAHAHAHAHA...
PW: I realized that humans can see almost 180 degrees.
Me: ...Hahaha ...Really meh? About... 170 degrees only ma. Hahaha...
PW: Aiya around there lah. Anyway, that woman's foot was like 156 degrees in my view so I realised it was impossible not to see it. *getting very agitated* And hor, you know Dang Thai Son looks very small from up here right? So in the end the woman's foot was as big as Dang Thai Son!!!!!!
Both of us started laughing like maniacs. We couldn't speak properly for like 5 minutes.
PW: *some random crap about the woman's foot (which i cannot remember)*... And if she was wearing like a black gown or something still can forgive. But she was wearing...
Me: Flowery ah-ma t-shirt
PW: Precisely!!!!!!! You know when I remember something I will associate something with it. Like last time I watched a drama with my cousin who had stinky feet! Then whenever i think of that drama will think of the smell! So when i think of Dang Thai Son now I will think of her feet! ><
Me: *drinking mango Snapple* *trying desperately not to laugh*
Laugh laugh laugh blah blah blah

Anyway I was like SUPER sad that we couldn't get to see Dang Thai Son close up. I was prepared to sacrifice the rest of the concert to meet him during the autograph session during the intermission but Peiwei wasn't -.- so we didn't meet him. AHHHHH ><>< >< >< >
And I TELL YOU I WANT TO MIGRATE TO GERMANY. THE ARTS CULTURE THERE IS 1,000,000% BETTER THAN SINGAPORE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE ACTUALLY CLAPPED BETWEEN THE CHOPIN MOVEMENTS. WALAO. IT'S LIKE BASIC CONCERT-GOING ETIQUETTE NOT TO CLAP DURING MOVEMENTS. EVEN A 6-YEAR-OLD CHILD CAN TELL YOU THAT. And after the concert we came out and Peiwei pointed out the difference in dressing between Singaporeans and Caucasians. The Caucasians wore concert-going attire or formal dinner attire (like MEEE HAHAHA). You know what the Singaporeans wore? Spaghetti stripe. Shorts. Polo t-shirt. Round-neck t-shirt. Jeans. Flowery ah-ma t-shirt. WALLAO CANNOT STAND IT SIA (haha picked it up from minqhee).

I asked my mother later "Why do these people go to concerts if they can't even appreciate the music? Don't go and waste space or ruin other people's enjoyment can or not!" My mother then told me some people go concert just for face. To seem high-class. To tell people that they've been to so-and-so's concert. Then I cried out, "Then what's the point of telling people you've been to somebody's concert if you can't critique it???" She said "Just to impress people ma. To seem rich lor." WALAO i DESPISE these people can. Sorry for despising them but I can't help it. USING music as a TOOL to gain fame or money (on the part of concert pianists) or as a tool to impress people is like an absolute appetite-upset for me. How DARE these people use music as a tool? Music is the pure and uncorrupted desire of the composer and pianist's synchronization to reach out to the audience, to bridge the gap between different souls and to touch the deepest chasms of one's soul and bring light to the darkest areas of a person's mind. It is the purest expression of a human's soul. How DARE these people do such superficial things? How can there even BE people like that? How can anyone not like music?

On that note, I kind of regret not taking up violin. Not that my parents would have allowed me to take it anyway. It's such a passionate and sexy instrument. Haha :) Piano is more elegant and reserved. On the other hand, it is also a psychotic and cold instrument. Violin's passion suits me, I think. But piano's coldness also suits me. The two extremes of my character. Anyway. I really regret not taking up violin, but I guess if God wanted me to take up violin He would have made a way. An embarrassing reason for wanting to take up violin is because i think guy pianists generally don't go for women who play piano (whether they're good or not) but rather female violinists. Or flutists for that matter. Haha ^^ Sigh.

Stupid wang laoshi =.=

Yes I'm fully aware that I haven't updated this dead blog for ages. Nothing really worth blogging about these few days, except that irresponsible toddler of a piano teacher has taken flight and Peiwei and I are left stranded without a piano teacher. Some stupid hypocrite he is -.- how dare he condemn Li Yundi for 'playing like shit' and 'not having any good areas. At all.' while he can't even meet the basics of being a piano teacher, which is to manage his students' pianistic education with duty and responsibility? Fine he has financial problems but he should at least tell us when he's going off and where to - even if he doesn't want to teach us anymore. Or rather, tell us if he doesn't want to teach us anymore before disappearing off to God knows where.

Anyway this is a rather old topic. The main topic is as stated above -.-

Peiwei and I went to watch Dang Thai Son's concert today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEE. For those of you who don't know (which is sadly a majority), Dang Thai Son is a first-prize winner of the International Chopin Competition held in Warsaw - one of the most prestigious competitions in the world (of all time). It's like - OH MY GOSH MANNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHA. WE GOT HIS TICKETS HEH!

Started with Singapore Symphony Orchestra playing Schumann's Manfred Overture. Quite a refreshing rendition. However there was some disparity among the volumes of the instruments and insufficient balance between the tones. I have frankly never been able to tell much between the interpretations of different conductors and orchestras and if they are good or not. But this much I know. ANYWAY. The ugly problem reared its head around here. For some reason, there seems to be a LOT of people whose throats simply have to express opinions and kept coughing. CONSPICUOUSLY.

The worst was when Dang Thai Son played. No I mean that Dang Thai Son played wonderfully. He played Chopin's Piano Concerto no. 1 in E Minor op. 11. It was a very personal interpretation and it is very much intriguing to see how interpretations can vary from individual to individual. Actually I've only heard Li Yundi's interpretation properly - Lang Lang simply puts me off somehow. It's like, he's using his facial expressions to pull up his music instead of allowing music to be the factor behind his expressions. It's like a totally wrong reversal of roles. His facial expressions make me... want to slap him. -.- Sorry no other words can express what I want to say. Except wringing his neck, probably. I have a certain fondness for wringing people's necks. Li Yundi's one was more beautiful, with intricate expression and meticulously-crafted tone - with some of the heroism of Beethoven and the idealistic fantastical personality of Mozart. Sounds too Classical O.o but no other composers can truly represent such extremes (Prokofiev is too extreme), except Chopin himself of course. Oh ya my sister bought 4 pieces of clothing at Takashimaya today for CNY. Anyway,

Dang Thai Son's interpretation was more passionate and majestic. And more traditional, if I may add. He didn't dare to take much rubato, perhaps in order to adhere to Chopin's direction of "Allegro Maestoso" for the first movement (meaning "fast and majestic"). This was apparent straight away from the beginning from the cadenza-like solo piano passage. After playing the first E-minor-tonality arpeggios, he didn't pause much to allow the audience time to react to the passage before proceeding to the descending passage. And after the descending passage again, he didn't pause much before going on to the A-minor-tonality arpeggios. I think that if he paused more it would be more impactful and adhere more to the performance direction of "allegro maestoso". Anyway, in the more lyrical moments of the first movement, Dang Thai Son proceeded to execute them with considerable passion and heroism, a notable contrast from Li Yundi's execution of delicacy and refinement. By the way, I have a feeling that Dang Thai Son didn't really put his heart into today's concert. He played some very lame wrong notes which even I could have played correctly -.- and when the orchestra was playing, he appeared rather distracted at parts. Still better than Wang Laoshi, definitely. That guy was obviously totally sian-ed to the max when the orchestra was playing long tutti sections -.- Dang Thai Son's playing seemed slightly mechanical at parts (not that I could have played it better of course), perhaps due to his strict abiding of tempo. I always feel that the pianists who play this concerto don't use rubato at parts where they should (personal opinion of course - I like to use rubato a lot. To make myself seem less hypocritical, wang laoshi said I have a gift in performing rubato). The chair I'm sitting on seems like it has only three legs out of the four -.- Somehow I feel that Dang Thai Son's playing didn't touch me as deeply as Li Yundi's does - probably because he played more manly-ly. Hahaha. I feel that the more 'man' you are, the easier you are to predict. Seriously men are such simple creatures. Anyway Dang Thai Son's first movement didn't impress me particularly much. I mean, it was nice, definitely. But it could have been more personal. But on the other hand, he probably isn't a very personal person so to make the music personal to him it has to be not personal. No sense. Never mind.

His second movement gave me some mixed feelings about him. He is able to produce a tone equal to Li Yundi's if he wants to, but why doesn't he do it all the time? The second movement was passionate and beautiful at the same time. But somehow I feel that his passion is a bit... forced. Not very genuine. Perhaps because I've been rather tired today, so I find it a little harder to put myself into the music with my heart and soul totally. However, the part where the piano does a solo (beguiling notes in the high registers flitting capriciously here and there) was served with elegance, poise and heavenly innocence. And probably because we're a little far from the stage, SSO overpowered Dang Thai Son at times and the flute was drowned out and it sounded almost like it was drowning - when it managed to penetrate through the orchestra there was a strange gurgling quality to it (some curious vibrato and nasal tone) and sounded like a drowning person clamouring for help, compared to the sweet refined tone I'm used to. But it was pulled off relatively well on the whole. Somehow SSO didn't complement Dang Thai Son very well.

Third movement was along the same line so I shan't talk much about it.

I don't want to post :(

Two more weeks to Shandong trip =X No piano over there!!!! I'm really going to miss piano. I'm missing it already! >< I don't know what to do about the competition anymore... I keep looking back and thinking maybe I should have gone with my own feelings and stayed in Singapore to practise for the competition after all instead of listening to God (I'm not even sure it's what He told me). The maddening thing is, there's something wrong with my computer and it kept rejecting my post, so I'm super bored of typing this post over and over again and what's present here now is just a refined version. Maybe God is trying to rebuke me -.- Sorry, but please God... I really want to just get through the first round. I know the odds are against me but...

Anyway, on a lighter note, I was going home on a double-decker 174 today. I got bored after Susanna alighted and I realised that there was this Nanyang girl sleeping ^^ I was like super amused, because she kept nodding and falling-all-over-the-place-then-jerking-back-up-again. I decided to count how many times she nodded or swayed off to the right or left for fun haha. I love observing people ^^ In about 10 minutes she nodded/jerked 81 times =.= The super amusing thing was that even after jerking about so much she never woke up or opened her eyes even once to notice me staring at her. And she kept falling like 45 degrees from the normal (haha physics) before jerking back up. I was seriously super surprised. Like, you can tilt so much and still not wake up??? Wheehee ^^ Dinner time!

Reading my blog from its earliest posts and my personal diary from primary two til now I realise that, as Pei Wei said, I have changed a lot. For one thing, I think I fart many more times a day now. Okay that's stupid, but true.

I guess you could say my story is a little like a Cinderella story? I remember crying out to God desperately not too long ago (okay maybe one or two years ago - time passes so fast), asking Him why He did not let me be born into a musical family like all those geniuses - Mozart, Beethoven or even contemporary pianists - so that I could become a pianist. A few people told me before that to become a professional pianist you need to have a musical family background - you need to have musical genes in you as well. And I looked at profiles of all the famous pianists and competition winners... All of them either were blessed with parents of great musical talent or came under the wing of greatly distinguished piano teachers since a very young age. And my parents... my mother's greatest achievement in music was becoming a leader in a harmonica band in JC and my father's greatest musical achievement is learning how to sing in tune. And I would keep asking God why He put me into this family.

But now... I'm glad God made me who I am. Really. I cannot stand to think about what if I were someone else around me. God probably let me be born into this family because then I wouldn't tell myself that all these are my works. And I know they aren't. Thank you God for bestowing this gifts on me out of all people... But I don't know how to continue on...

I really don't know how anymore, God. Will You please give me an answer? I am dying from all these expectations... Please teach me, God, to have eyes only for You.

I really enjoyed the moments we spent together... I don't know how long more this friendship will last... but I know for sure that I will carry these memories with me to the end of time.

I just want you to know -

God heard my prayers, even though they weren't exactly directed towards Him... I scored a relatively high distinction for piano exam. And an A1 for Chinese -.- And well, it seems that Wang laoshi doesn't totally feel I can't make it into the finals now, that's some consolation ^^ Thank you God! :) But honestly I am still a very jealous person... I know its selfish of me to want to be better than everybody else, and it's impossible. But... sometimes I feel my jealousy helps me to play better. It lends me more emotions when playing Chopin hahaha. Jocelyn is going to learn from wang laoshi as well. I should stop hoping that I'm better than her because I am obviously not better than her -.- I really don't want to care about what wang laoshi thinks anymore.

Anyway, went with Pei Wei to YST yesterday! It's been a very long time since we last went out together... Felt quite sad, really. The guy's Chopin and Schubert was super nice! O.O His encore piece - Schumann's song transcribed by Liszt - was super nice too! His Appassionata was sort of disappointing though but ending with the Chopin and Schubert totally made up for it ^^ Left the concert hall still in the dream that music gives you. I think I'm dying for piano. I have only two months left. My pieces are a dreadful mess. I really want to get into finals (not for fame or whatever portfolio -.- but because if I get into finals, my parents will more likely allow me to pursue music as a career). But so many people out there are competing for one place. What are the chances of me even getting through semi-finals? Or I probably won't even get through quarter finals -.- Sigh.. I think I should be glad Jocelyn and Lixian are participating in intermediate, otherwise I highly doubt I can get through quarter finals. But seniors are supposed to be pro-er... AIYA I DUNO. >.< GOD PLEASE HELP ME. I REALLY CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE.

Went downstairs yesterday night/morning at 12 am to attempt to stroke the cat which was making a load of noise. It was a teenage cat i think. White with a black stubby tail. I waited patiently for forty minutes and got a stupid rectangular mosquito bite and did not manage to stroke the cat. And two people saw me and two cars saw me, squatting by the road -.- ultimate embarrassment i tell you.

Another weird dream. This time about my two cousins. I dreamt that they jumped off the kitchen balcony in the night and I saw the newspaper article with their dead pallid faces. They died not because of being squashed after falling, but because they were strangled by the bedsheets which were hanging out on the balcony as they fell. And the word "ghostly" kept appearing with the word "bedsheet" for don't know what reason. It was quite horrible because i really believed it somehow. Because i remembered thinking "I only just smsed her yesterday night!" which i did actually. As in it was a real memory in a dream. And i was feeling quite horrible and devastated ... but not sad. Maybe i was too shocked haha.

And i found out my friend dreamt of bees. Haha don't know what she was doing with them. She was probably trying to steal honey or used a volleyball to knock the beehive out of the tree.

And i think i've finally come to terms with the unchangeable fact that I was never, have never been, am not and will never be good at piano. As Peiwei's piano teacher said - I have to be more realistic. He obviously thinks i will not be able to make it to the competition finals any more. Not that i can of course. But when your self-doubts are confirmed by your teacher... I think he has given up on me... Wow I'm so frank! Oh and i just saw the nailclipper that i was trying to find for months. -.- Anyway somehow... I'm kind of glad that he didn't fire me. But i cannot live up to anybody's expectations anymore. I can't even live up to my own. And I really don't want to lose my life to studies. Life is more than just about books, algebra, ancient chinese literature, molecules and particles. Life... is the deepest desires of man's soul, the loftiest towers of man's ambitions and dreams, the widebare space - the white silence - that loneliness brings, the beautiful desolation of the pure, radiant moonlight falling like silk onto the sleeping murderous sea... I want to travel around the world, see all the wonders the world has to offer, throw myself into the lost paradise of music, forget about all the responsibilities and limitations, shake off all the rusty chains of restrictions and old familiar hauntings of long-lost emotions, wipe out all the hurt, erase all my memories of failures and of all the things I could never have...

But I should be more realistic.

More realistic.

Damn it all.

Why, God?

WHY

We had class contact time on monday. Somehow my group always gets picked for roleplay -.- anyway this time we were supposed to do a bad interview. *evil grin* They wanted me to do the random pai kia thing again like last roleplay but my hair not long enough =( so meizhen did the pai kia instead haha. I wanted to be a flower vase but they said that was irrelevant so i cannot be flower vase =( they wanted me to be an interviewee. So i decided to be a flirt *evil grin* anyway won't go into details. What happened was that Amanda got totally freaked out (she and Joy were interviewers and Joy requesed beforehand that i flirt with amanda not her). and the class laughed. and everybody thought i was a pervert/flirt after that. and julie asked me with all manner of seriousness whether i was a prostitute =.= Life without some perverseness is not life at all. Especially in Nanyang. You need some humour or perverseness or something related to get you through. Sigh.

I feel a little sad. Why has Li Yundi fallen so far? If what my piano teacher said was true (and I doubt he'd lie about things like this). It sounds like he's just using piano/music as a tool to get fame. People like that are utterly disgusting. (sounds wrong dang! i dunno what word to describe. i just feel disgusted, angry and disappointed with people like that). I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know if he loves music like i thought he did or he's just fooled the entire world (except my piano teacher, who would probably protest at the thought of people thinking he believed it too -.-) Although my piano teacher is supposedly realistic (as Peiwei says), i think he's a bit immature somehow. I don't know why. Haha! Deviation! (Just A Minute BBC) Okay back on track. Liyundi... sigh i dont know larh. I never hated anyone before, but this is the closest i will ever get to hating someone i guess. Haha i know i can't even compare to him (maddening isn't it?), and i shouldnt be saying all this, but really. i don't want to change my mind about him. like michael jackson i suppose hahaha!

I was going home from piano today and i passed by an old lady selling tissue paper. I was feeling particularly good (because i was listening to some music and the sky was blue and i was wearing something a little different haha), so i decided to buy some tissue paper from her. She was selling six packs at a time.
Me: 多少?
Old lady: 六包一两块而以！ 你要买吗？
Me: (confused. Take out earphones.?: 对不起多少?
Old lady: 六包一两块而以！ 你要买吗？
Me: [still confused.(one or two dollars?)] oh okay. [take out two dollar note because lazy to take out one dollar]
Old lady: 谢谢！小姐你很漂亮！
Me: 不会啦! *laugh* (hand her the money)
Old lady: 你工作了吗？
...

Well. Then i became more depressed. She thought she was complimenting me, but her saying that i was pretty only served to remind me that i could never be pretty. Haha. I almost cried there and then. How stupid. I don't know anything anymore. I know being ugly helps to bring us closer to God, but I really -!!! I don't have anything at all! People all around me are either pretty, intelligent or good in music or everything! i know this is just materialistic and superficial, but that's what people care about. I really don't want to become that kind of person who has nothing but 'inner beauty'. and i don't even have inner beauty. Best. i think i'll just become a surgeon next time. No need for looks, no need to have good character or anything. Just need to be clever... ARGH! Then surgeon also cannot! Aiya heck! Yeah i find that as i grow older i become more air-headed and childish. Never mind. I was still rather sad/angry that the people were walking by without looking at the old lady at all. I really am. Those people definitely have more than $8 in their pockets and they still couldn't find the heart to just spare $2 to make someone's day, to make someone smile, to make someone feel that she wasn't all alone in the world, to help water the flower of someone's hopes! (okay doesn't sound logical) It's just $2 seriously! And the old lady was so nice as to decide to give me the six packs of tissue which were still in the wrapping so that it would be easier for me to carry. It seems almost like I was the first person in the day to buy tissue from her. Unless it was. There were so many people there. What, was the old lady invisible? She didn't reflect light into their eyes so they couldn't see her or something? It's just two dollars, just two hundred cents. Or even maybe just $1. It was outside bukit batok mrt station so the place was crowded like an ant's colony. Never mind. Someone else must have bought some tissue from her earlier as well. Haha i'm acting like i'm the only one who would have bought tissue from her. Never mind. And I have $6 to last me the rest of this month. Out of $100 at the beginning of this month. OMG! Where did all my money go?! *frown* Class treasury, guzheng treasury, guzheng syf photos... Oh and dinner with peiwei when we went for a concert after last last piano lesson. Sigh. I don't want to grow old (especially if I was alone). Haha. I feel rather jealous of Peiwei occasionally. She has it all. Friends, looks, grades, 口才, suitors (haha), character etc etc. Well they say opposites attract. So i suppose peiwei is like yang and i'm like yin? and yang makes yin look darker while yin makes yang look brighter. Twisted. But she is still my best friend :) even though i'm not hers. Wa siao if my guzheng junior or someone comes across this blog then i will die a horrible death. Argh.

I saw two dead birds this week. The first one was when I was walking home by another route after missing my bus stop. It was a bird I had never seen before. It was a grey bird with spots on its chest. Its beak was open and its wings were outstretched, twisted in an awkward position. Its eyes were lifeless and glassy. It looked strangely out of place on the ground. It was the first unmarred dead bird I had ever seen (the rest were squashed). I got a reasonably unpleasant shock when I first saw it because I wasn't quite looking at where I was going. But when I got back home I had a strange horrid longing to look upon the bird once again, to examine its intricate features and stillness. And I never got to see that bird again.
The other was squashed. But it was dried up by the sun. It was quite inrecognisable. Judging by its size it was probably a sparrow.
Well. I have quite officially come quite close to the life cycle of birds. I stroked a baby sparrow (I think) for ten minutes by the road and have seen dead birds. Ah. I just hope the baby bird I stroked wasn't the one I saw lying dead.

I had a violent dream. Apparently I was at a murder scene. I saw myself standing outside, watching from a large window which stretched from the ceiling to the floor. And yet two of me were in the room as well - an onlooker as well as the murderer (erm. male, mind you). I was wearing a tuxedo, shaking hands with another man wearing another tuxedo (white), smiling in the ^^ way. He was also smiling. Without releasing his hand or changing the smile on my face, I rammed a knife into his.. ahem. Burgundy blood blossomed on his white pants. I smiled wider as he fell away with the utmost expression of shock, the expression you have when you finally realize that the person you were closest to betrayed you. Red liquid splattered like blood onto the murderer's face, onto the (twenty) angels (or demons) who were watching from the room next door (which was full of white bunk beds). The angels' (they were dressed in white) night gowns were blood-splattered and white feathers floated around them as though they were suspended in water. Their faces had no features and they simply stood there.

Well. What troubled me the most is that I didn't feel anything at all when I watched that man die slowly, excruciatingly. Nothing at all.

Only a smile.

Haha. I'm finally updating ^^ It's mostly because I haven't had much to say actually. Uh yeah. About two things happened today.

1. We had to perform a short skit for PCCG regarding manners haha. And I am, of course, the uncouth, ruthless, brazen, inconsiderate, rough ah beng as usual. Oh man! The Brahm's piano quartet in g minor is really super nice!!!!! Nicer than me. XD sorry haha. Okay yes. I was the ah beng. ^^ Haha Cherie was the desperate whiny girlfriend (who happens to be super short ;)). Er yes. My classmates said I looked "damn 帅" and "超帅" when I walked into the classroom and "really look like ah beng" <- Haha -.- Oh man i feel so weird talking about this. But I'm going to talk anyway. I have the rights to speak up on my blog XP. The music is making me too high XD. It's SUPER NICE!!!!!!!!! Nicer than me. XD sorry haha. Dear Chermain tried to 撒娇 with me by calling me 帅哥. -.- Julie asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend =.= Dear Peizhen already started calling me "boyfriend". -.- =.= Yes I know I am very ego to be putting this up publicly but hey, it's okay to be ego sometimes right? XD I think I may be finally starting to belong a little to my class haha... God answered my prayers (okay i didn't quite pray). :P The more I listen to the Brahm's piano quartet the nicer it seems lorh!!!!!!! OH MAN!!!! Oh yes. Haha. Cherie, my dear girlfriend, really can act desperate very well (or maybe she is desperate haha). Like her face was like so ... I don't know. Almost qian bian. :P jkjk! HAHA okay don't hit me :x Yes. On to my next piece of breaking news.

2. On the bus. Going home. With Adelle. ^^ I suddenly got the urge to count my 5-cent coins (cuz last time i counted i had 15). So I took them out of my wallet and entrusted them to dear Adelle. And of course she had to drop two of them :x One of them rolled between the mess of legs of some people -.- Oh and the bus air con was leaking some weird oily stuff. Gross larh! My hands got super oily >.< Anyway. I squatted down to pick up the 5-cent coin haha. If that's not unglam enough, the bus accelerated and I fell backwards and sat plop on the floor =.= with my school bag and everything. SO PAI SEH OK! Then Adelle was laughing like crazy and I was laughing like crazy. Er yes. And I couldn't get up -.- Haha.

You should really listen to Brahms' Piano Quartet in G minor, No. 1.

Oh and I have 10 5-cent coins now, excluding the one that ran pervertedly into the legs of some nanyang girls and I didn't quite manage to rescue those poor girls from being molested by the 5-cent coin.

You know you really ought to listen to Brahms' Piano Quartet in G minor No. 1.

I don't know what is real and what is not. Haha. So fun. -.- I don't know what to update about lah!!! -.-

Maybe I should have joined some neighbourhood school haha, then no stress. Or not so much. Yes I never like to face my problems. I don't care if its cowardly. I don't care if people hate me because I run away from my problems. (well actually I care but what the heck) I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!! Yes I want to run away. So what? And maybe that's why I play piano... to get away from all this... (oops my secret is out XD) Yes I like challenges, but only in areas where I like that field. For example maybe math or music. Not in terms of friends. Not that i don't like friends of course haha.

Argh I really wish I can run away. But if you can't run (like me) then I suppose the only way is to face the enemy and battle to the end. The only survivor is the winner. Or maybe I should just die haha. This is so random!!! -.- Anyway I will go where God takes me haha. Whether I like it or not. I am a sheep that is tied to His hand!!! haha so weird. Anyway here's a shoutout to God: THAAAAANK YOOOOOU FOOOOOOR LIIIIISTEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIING TOOOO MYYYYY PRAAAAAAAAAYEEEEEEERSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looks unreadable haha. The asses (or "s"s. whatever lah haha) at the back make me think of Gollum in LOTR.

YEES I HAVE REGAINED MY ENTHUSIASM!!!! I will CHIONG towards the finishing line!!!!!! I will live out my life the best I can! Even if my life is miserable, I will face it will an attitude such that I will always be happy. I will be happy all the time!!!! I will put my joy in the Lord!!!!!!!! Haha this is so weird. I don't even pray before my meals -.- Okayy enough about Christianity haha.

I am going to eat dinner ^^ will come back and update!!!

I think it's time to face the truth ...

Happy endings only exist in fairytales.

Oh. About that Bella's Lullaby score. I didn't quite follow it in the end -.- because I realized what the guy heard out was more or less the same as what I heard so I just became too lazy to try learning it properly. Haha. I have better things to do than redo stuff I already know. Wow I sound so arrogant ^^ *yawn* Hm I went home today and realized it was quite lucky I didn't buy the red file today because I already bought it -.- and for a crazy moment I wanted to do Adelle's spastic thing (the sha la la one) haha. Then in the bathroom I realised that I had lost one thing very close to my heart, but in turn losing that one thing made me see how much more the world had to offer (to me). Mwahahahaha :) and I wanted to shout suddenly for don't know what reason haha. Yes it has been a hectic, chaotic day. MSN is not working again. It's stucked! :( what is life without instant messaging? Haha must read in the Chinese poetic way: WHAT, is LIFE, without INSTANT, messaging...? Oh ya speaking of Chinese poems! I havent memorised the seven chinese poems for CLC lecture! Die :( I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep...... and I just remembered I haven't do my weekend homework. Shoot! X( the world has many things to offer to me indeed. Okay enough crapping. Time to get back to reality ^^ is my blogskin niceeee?

I am not joining choir anymore. Haha. Sigh. I think I am too temperamental. Okay never mind. I think its partly because God seems to be spoiling me heh XD. But He has given me many opportunities I would never have dreamt of. Haha. I am too lazy to try and hear out Bella's Lullaby so I am going to print out a piece of sheet music. I am going to try it. Bye bye! And no more piano for like one month... wow. I don't know what to think. Haha. Ok bye bye.

I said bye bye le why you still here?

Bye bye ^^

Peiwei has been bugging me to blog haha. Even though she seems to have given up now ^^ I do not know what to write about. It's called peer pressure haha.
I suppose i will write about what is bugging me the most first. I don't know if I should try to join choir as a pianist cum singer(?). Peiwei got really agitated about me joining choir. As in she was really against it. Sigh. I don't know. The only two things that I have persevered from Primary One until now are my studies (which my parents force on me and shouldn't really be counted) and piano. I just really feel ... i dont know either. I've never really liked sticking to something for too long - except when its like changing class. Maybe Peiwei is just jealous that i can at least try to go into singing XP HAHA jkjk. Sigh. After Peiwei's vigorous argument and outright disapproval, I really do not know what to do anymore. She says she does not want a person who gives up so easily like me to be her friend. Haha. I have to leave the comp lab 3 now. I will update later... someday. XD

Haha. I'm updating about music. Yes I'm quite happy with the way life is now, even though my
《寒鸭戏水》 play until the 鸭子 want to 溺死 like that, my 《战台风》 play until everybody all die gruesome grisly deaths and my Beethoven pathetique sonata is so unbelieveably pathetique that it is like travelling back to Singapore from Malaysia then bursting the car radiator and having to tow the car all the way back to Singapore from the Malaysia highway. At night. Anyway im being quite lame. I am quite happy today ^^ For one thing the guzheng teacher didn't really correct me much on expressions, only on techniques :P Oh, and Joelle improved a lot, if I am in any position to say. :) And she has greatly increased my motivation to practise some more! But still, there's no point because that's still not enough motivation for me to practise guzheng at home.

And this is so cute:


I don't want to care anymore.

Argh Peiwei messed up my tagboard. I am really not gay because I'm not even a boy. Argh it still sounds like I'm gay. Aiya whatever larh.
I've been having a lot of dreams of late. I just had two dreams of betrayal in one sitting (or sleeping). And I woke up crying. Is it strange to cry when you wake up? Storybook characters always seem to cry themselves to sleep. I find it quite near impossible to be crying all the way to sleep. Anyway whatever. This is getting too emo and self-centred.
Haha Peiwei is having band now. Gosh I feel so happy man. But then again next week there is monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday of 9 am - 5 pm guzheng. Then the next week there is monday, wednesday, thursday, friday of 9 am - 5pm guzheng. I think. Anyway I know for sure that guzheng will take up four whole days of each week. Dang! Ah well anyway need to practise for guzheng exam. DIE! Coming liao and i still have no motivation to practise properly after i finished learning the songs. But I scared my fingers become stiff - Amanda says her piano teacher's student learn guzheng and his fingers couldn't play the piano properly.
Speaking of piano teachers, I don't want to let anyone down anymore. I don't know what he saw or heard in me but I think he'll send me off to playing Czerny. He says I use my technique wrongly. How can you use your technique in wrong places? It's either you have technique or you don't. I think. Anyway I am dying on my Stravinsky tango. It doesn't sound like a tango!
Enough of that. I feel quite guilty for leaving my first piano teacher before reaching the ATCL exams. She did bring me up from Grade 1 until now and all I am is probably due to her. But God seems to have quite clearly directed us to this path, since he made everything so smooth.
I don't know anymore. I feel tired after writing such a lengthy pointless thing.

Beliefs? I don't know what I believe in anymore. I know for sure that God is real, if you are asking about Christianity and religious beliefs. But on a more selfish and "me" level, i do not know what i am supposed to do. I suppose God will guide me down the path He thinks is best for me somehow, and that is a great comfort, to know that my life is still in control somehow. Ok fine i will zoom in on Christianity. At the Singapore Biennale, we saw this art exhibit - a video, a world without light. Everything was dark, a restless, hungry, bottomless sea. There was no colour. And I really felt... despair.. from that. Is that what life will be like without God? Is that what life will be like without light? Is that what life might have been without God's kindness, love and care? There was a scene, where the black, dismal coast stretched away into a black dismal darkness, never ending, not knowing where it is going.
I am like so thankful for God.

I think even if I can become a musician (which is like so totally impossible), I may not choose to become one, even if it breaks my heart. The thing is I think I am falling too much in love with music. I am losing track of my duty, responsibility and obligation to God. I think He is hinting that to me too - he only let me take a further step in my musical aspect of life when I told myself I would become a doctor whether I can or cannot become a pianist. Honestly, when I play music, it is for myself. I think. I don't play it for God or anyone else. And that's just the point. Music is meant to be shared. Beethoven composed in order to share his music with other people. Another smaller reason would be a little bit of competitiveness. Or competition. Or whatever. In any case I feel I may just have to give up this childish dream. It is blinding me and becoming an obstacle. As a sort of non-serious activity music may help to bring me closer to God, but if it becomes my career...
Why must we have our own dreams which can never be fulfilled? Why must we be so self-centred? Why? Why...?

Is it the hardest to give up a dream when you know you can fulfil it but you musn't?

It's really very strange. I don't know what to update my blog about, even though we just got back all our exam results and had volleyball competition and watched School of Rock. In the case of exam results, perhaps its because I know it isn't really my achievement, so there is nothing worth boasting about. Yes, I am so selfish that I won't even praise God properly if I receive something from Him. :( But I am very surprised that God would have given all these to me. It is not only about the exam results. I am also very blessed to have a very loyal, thoughtful, faithful and kind friend, or 'lao po' ;) haha - 'old grandmother'. So unglam. With my short-sightedness (left eye 75 degrees and right eye 500 degrees ya i got lazy eye so lazy!), I actually doubted her intentions and misunderstood her. :x So here's a shoutout: PEIWEI WO YONGYUAN AI NI!!!!!! >.< Okay I feel weird now. If there is any sort of difference, I will take the pleasure to add that this is my first time actually really praising someone. Yes because I love only myself. ^^
Okay moving on. That stuff was so 肉麻. Sorry I'm not used to expressing verbally. I'm listening to Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 the orchestral version. Basically its the music used for Bugs Bunny and Tom and Jerry. Actually it's very nice but after listening to it a few times will get sick. Oh speaking of which, my sister is sick. Literally. She got stomach flu. So horrible right? And tomorrow her exams leh! So stress. Heh heh. Ok I moved on to the second part of the Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody so it isn't so boring anymore. Liszt is a genius - at piano, composing and womanising.
I wonder what Heaven is like and whether I will get into it. Will I see the people around me again in the afterlife? I wonder what is it really like to really feel God's presence really there all the time.
Mixed feelings... :) :X :( :

In any case I'm too bored to continue with Koh Samui. Basically we went snorkelling the second day and went to see the Na Muang Waterfall and the Big Buddha and eat roast chicken and eat durians on the third day. We saw Hin Ta Hin Yai too. This thing is just to end off Koh Samui.



Yes it was about night time already.
We went to walk on Chaweng beach, which is the best beach on the island. O.O I am so disappointed in Singapore. Chaweng beach sand was REALLY like walking on bedsheets! REALLY!!!!! I know you only hear it in stories. But it really is. Oh and that night, or this night, was low tide and there was no wind and totally no wave at all in the sea so that it was rather like a dead town. The debris was lying on the beach and the wave made you think you were standing at the poolside, as well as the clarity of the water! The water was like SO CLEAR you can see the corals and stones out there. It was night so we didn't really see the blueness of the ocean or anything. But this serves more or less to show you how gentle the waves are. I suppose that's how the sand there is so fine. It felt quite impossible.
And anyway halfway down the beach my dear little sister started whining that she's hungry, she's tired and so on. So we settled at a place where somebody on the net had recommended. Chomtalay restaurant. It basically was a buffet. I loved the salmon sashimi and the roasted lamb leg a lot!!!!! *squeal* I want to eat again!!!!! :( I must mind my bodyweight! DANG. Anyway there were a lot of mosquitoes. I had like four mosquito bites on one knee! I had a total of about 7 mosquito bites. So it was quite a relief when the wet towels that came had a faint smell of citronella which scares away mosquitoes. So we were like wiping and wiping everywhere. Well, my sister and I that is. Don't think sick please. Only our arms and legs. And then we walked back to our hotel and slept after bathing.
Oh p.s. if you look at the internet pictures of the resort you can see a window above the bed. That's the window to the bathroom. And there is no lock.

That's it for the first day.

News Flash: The guppy died.

Well that was on Tuesday after I dedicated a whole post to it. It was like, the FIRST day I give you medicine, you DIE. Yes you can imagine my shock. It looked quite sick when it died. And another news flash: Two of the remaining three baby guppies also died.

In other words we only have one baby fish left. And two greedy prawns of course. The two guppies (we don't even know if they were female or male :((( ) died because we went to Koh Samui. Yes. Let's hold a minute's silence in remembrance of the starvation and famine victims.














It's been quite a long time since I've last updated, considering the fact that it is the school holidays ^^ (or rather going to be "was the school holidays"). :( Anyway. I'm going away to Thailand tomorrow! Koh Samui. But I don't think I'm actually very excited because the whole of Koh Samui is practically just beaches. Still I can't complain :) .
I've been watching tangos recently because of a piano song I'm playing and it's like so obscene. And I wanted to put Lord of the Beans on this blog but then I couldn't find it anywhere :( And LATEST NEWS: My fish are dying! Apparently my father bought this BIG packet of guppies (live ones, I must add, or soon-to-be-dead) at $1.50. Yes my father is nuts for money and he's very gullible - one guppy usually costs $1.50. And just about 40+ guppies were reduced to only about ... 7? ONE adult male guppy and the rest are just babies and teenagers. YES IT'S THAT SUSPISCIOUS MALE GUPPY!!!! He's the world's biggest baddy! :'( Yes yes, he's the bully that started it off in the first place, or maybe all of them already had it ever since they were put in that $1.50 bag. Anyway it's just fun to pin the blame on somebody :) Let's pretend it WAS his fault. DANG it's like I caught him in the act of chasing all the BABY and TEEN guppies around! SO MEAN, right? Just like our parents eh? Like the stupid guy probably caused all of the other guppies to die of it and he himself also gets diseased! I CANNOT believe I went to so much trouble to save him! I had to like use $8.40 to buy the fin rot medicine okay? And it doesn't matter unless it was my money (which it was). And YOU, my dear dad, complain about me spending the money to save the fish (I can think of alliteration for fish but let's not get vulgar^^)! It's all his fault for being money-minded! If he'd, like, bought proper fish that had a DECENT cost we wouldn't need to buy medicine right?
*haiix* Well... of course you can't keep blaming other people all the time. Like, I knew the guppies were dying from fin rot (or at least I had a rough idea) but then I didn't take any action to buy the medicine. Perhaps I thought not all of them have it. And I wasted like 4 japanese curry rice and 4/5 of an Oheyo! for that fish! Okay it wasn't exactly wasted. -.-
I realized that guppy fins seem to drop from rot very fast. Yesterday afternoon I was looking at a big bully with a big red fin with a big chunk fallen out (but the big fin is still big). Then at night when I put the medicine and looked around for it I couldn't find it but found an adult fish that had this pale orange TINY tail fin that would have shamed any fancy male guppy. Like, it looks like he turned homosexual. And I felt quite sorry for him lol. After all fishes don't have consciences and IQ and they seem to think brains are shit and brawns are ice creams. Sigh. *feeling very sorry for the hapless things* But then again i think they like to eat shit too so what I mean is probably the fish equivalent of our particular dislike for shit.

And this holiday is making me feel more energetic by 0.00000000000000000000001%. Oh, and the bullying fish making me visit the fish shop also brought another surprise ^^ There was this damn cute little dog, like white and black and then i should say its like about 30cm from head to tail, and it kept sniffing me XD And then its like I realised after sometime that it was biting my big toe with utmost enthusiasm. Okay gtg eat dinner :)

We got back our result book today. And I am like damn disappointed in myself cuz I got like so many below averages. My mother went to see Hu Laoshi about my chinese grades. According to her, Hu Laoshi kept stressing for her to tell me that she could see my effort. That's when I really got quite ... I don't know. Just yesterday the english tuition teacher was telling me "However I will have to name Claire as one of the better speakers because of her effort". Then last year the dance teacher gave me an A solely for my effort. What is the use for effort if there are like no results except compassion marks? Effort does not prove our talent or anything. It's just some random thing. But now that I look back, so what? There are so many people suffering out there now that I must be quite stupid and petty to be talking about my grades and "effort". In Ethiopia people are probably dying every second or minute. In Sichuan or China there are many people mourning, as well as many people fighting desperately for their lives and others' lives. In Myanmar the people are hurting too. Plus there was a tornado in America and 14 people were killed. How many millions are part of this horrible pain right now? Many children are probably crying themselves to sleep right now. Actually I thought of going for a missionary to either Myanmar or China, but it's just too late... People have been training since last year. All I can do now is pray for the people who are so willing to risk their lives to save others, as well as the victims themselves. And donate, of course.

Yes, and now down to my lame and small life. I just truly realised that on Wednesday, I TOUCHED A WILD BIRD!! Yeah! A wild bird? YES! Erm well I believe it was a baby one. It was , I think, a sparrow. Anyway it was just sitting in between the holes of the wire-mesh fence and I could not resist the temptation to stroke it. It was so cute, but I think I just ruined its life. I just recalled - mother cats recognize their babies by smell, so if humans touch the kitten, the mother will shun the kitten due to the smell... I shall give excuses like "I don't think the mother is still looking after it - it was all alone and it was quite big already." but I think it is just me trying to excuse my horrible mistakes... Conclusion: I must never touch any wild babies again.

Argh this post is so me-centred. Yes Project De-Selfishfy is currently underway! I am trying to make myself less self-centred haha. Even Miss Lim stated that the argumentative essay was too me-centred. Argh this is a total flop. Even this little paragraph is talking about me.

To Myanmar, China and America: God will make a better day for everybody... someday...

I suppose people really change a lot in a short period of time... I once was a person who didn't really cherish my friends and skipped happily from one to another (I think I may still be)... Now it's my friends who are skipping happily. I feel like an old woman who has seen too much of the world. I feel like an old woman who is sitting in a rocking chair knitting, watching the autumn leaves fall on her porch, painting it burgundy. Yes isn't autumn a beautiful season?

Another one of my plants died. This is the second and last plant that I got from Cameron. It's so sickening. Not one of the plants that have come under my 'care' and 'concern' has survived. Except the extra hardy flamingo flower from Ikea. My red bean plant died of a skin disease by fungus infection, my second red bean plant seems to have inherited it too, and it's already grown leaves! That's the worst thing... just when you thought it was going to finally work and be all rght again, you're disappointed... again. Anyway. My first weird lumpy frosty plant from Cameron died of parasites and leeches (that suck sap?) and now my cactus plant is dying and I can't do anything to help it. Have you ever felt the feeling where you have to watch someone die and you can't do anything about it? I've felt it about nine times. My guppies, my fighting fish, all my plants (oops, not all my plants... choy! Touch wood :)) and my great-greandmother (even though I wasn't particularly close to her). It's all my fault. I either watered too much, watered too little, fed too much, fed too little, cared too much or cared too little. And I realised something.

I care too much.

I used to never get disappointed. At least not really. But now.. And I know why. Yes, it's because I care too much. I cared too much about losing what I have that I become so easily disappointed, because losing what I have is probably what I'm best at. I admire the cactus, I suppose.

For one thing, they can stand all kinds of weather. No matter what life throws at them, they will stand upright, a solitary soldier, proudly lifting their head, determined never to go down, or at least not until the very end. Even then, they do not go gently into that good night (reference: Dylan Thomas, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"). They do not go down without a good fight. They are resolute, strong, unwavering.

For another, cactus grow thorns. They grow thorns, I suppose, because they are afraid to let people too close to them. They know that if someone likes them too much, that someone will definitely be let down someday. Thus they grow thorns. Nobody can guess the cactus' feelings. Is it angry? Is it lonely? Is it happy? No one knows (except God, but that's not the point). When nobody can guess the cactus' feelings, they do not like it. They cannot learn to endear the cactus. Although the cactus will then be very lonely, but it knows that at least it will not let others down. I suppose a cactus is like Jesus. Not in the thorny part of course, but in the sense that He was willing to lay down His happiness for mere rags. I want to become a cactus... for Jesus, for God, for myself, for the people around me... or maybe only for myself. I do not know.

My last point is that the cactus gives life. In the desert where hope has long fled and perseverence, determination is scarce, the cactus is a storage place for that hope and will that was assumed long gone. It holds the hope of the desert wanderers in its thorns. It holds water. Because of the cactus' sacrifice (its life) it gives yet another life. I suppose that would be a physics principle of energy conservation - energy is never lost or gained. Only when a life is lost then is a life gained. It must be something like that for God too.

I don't know how exactly to end this, because it never had a beginning in the first place. But I shall give it a temporary ending by putting the poem "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas.

~*Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. *~

I finally went back to pei hwa today! Yes, by myself. I AM SO BRAVE!!! Yes I am brave, thank you. I wanted to see Mrs Han - I just saw her last december holidays. But when I got there, she was as gone as a SARS patient. Not sick - as in she already RETIRED. It's like OMG! SO FAST. I just saw her some months ago ok. Then suddenly poof! Anyway I went on to see Ms Moh. And yes she's still single haha. Any guys reading this blog want to contact her? Lame. Anyway yes she's quite nice. She fell and scraped her elbow while trying to roller-blade. LOL! Erm. She said she still missed Faith 4'2004 the most *regarded her with considerable suspicion* Anyway she had to go for her next class so *byebye*. Oh and she remembered my face and my name (even though I changed my hairstyle quite a lot).

Then I went to find Mr Chua. He seemed to have a little more white hair haha. I mean of course - 4 years have passed after all (so fast). He remembered my face and that I played the piano but couldn't remember my name. SO SAD! :'( It seems quite strange. I felt he was different somehow. Not as in older. I don't know. Maybe it's because my perceptions have changed... it has been 4 years after all (about 1/18 of my lifetime?). Maybe he felt I was different from last time and therefore treated me differently... Anyway he said he didn't expect me to come back - it was usually the ones who were more outspoken who came back. Anyway our conversation was shorter than Ms Moh's, and I left.
They both said the same thing to me: I've become more outspoken and that I should keep trying my best.

Then I made my way down to the piano. Or rather the pianos. There used to be only one when I was studying in Pei Hwa. Another newer one arrived. It was quite obviously more played on than the old one because it was extremely, EXTREMELY out of tune and the G of the left-hand octave was stuck down and made no sound and I have quite a reason to believe that the hammers of the piano were not working properly anymore. They did not seem to stop the sound sufficiently and everything ended up echoing everywhere. The older one was quite tattered. It was in a rather worse condition than when I saw it in Primary 6. It's been only 1.5 years. The brand of the piano was totally stripped off along with the outer covering of wood (I believe the brand started with a "s" but definitely not a Steinway). The previously rich, mellow brown of the piano had faded to a dusty brown and the slight varnish it had had totally gone. I played on the older one first, which I have quite some memories of, and when I realised it was quite totally off-tune and the keys were not even, I went on to the newer piano, and found it worse. There was totally no clarity at all. So I went back to the older piano. I played some pieces and left.
It was quite sad to see the piano like that. It reminded me of humans. Hey I just thought of something. If humans were the piano, God would be the pianist (im NOT trying to imply anything okay). Life, like the piano, would be wasted if there was no pianist to play it. Only with a pianist, a piano can make beautiful music and bring joy to the lives of other people, delighting, entertaining, inspiring. What is the use of the piano if music was taken away from it? What is the use of the piano if there was no pianist to play it? The piano would never gain the ability to sing. The piano would never find true happiness. The piano would never learn to share and inspire. As pianos, our duty is to make ourselves as in-tune and even-keyed as possible for the Creator to make beautiful music.
Only then will our lives not be in vain.

And... God fulfilled three of my prayers (or wishes) in two days! Two consecutive days, that is. Yesterday, I finally managed to get enough courage to stand up, which is what I have been sort of praying every church service. But now other problems arise of course - am I being too religious? As in trying to show off to people that I'm a 'good' and 'true' and 'faithful' Christian.
Anyway, the other two wishes were fulfilled today. But I cannot remember what is it. Weird. I was telling myself on the bus to blog about it but I cant remember it now. Dang lol. Honestly (we shouldn't lie) I always thought Christian songs were quite boring lol, but actually I just found out some of them are quite nice lol.

A Letter to God

We went for a PE test today. We all did volleyball until our arms were
mottled with blood clots. We tried our best. I tried my best. You were
watching from above, weren't you? Were you proud?
I scored 21 marks. I know You know. You were watching from above,
weren't you?
We went for Innovation Program today too. Filled with pride, filled
with senseless pride. We charged like psychopaths at each other. Pride
puts us against each other. Pride makes friends fight. Pride makes
people kill each other. When those proud people killed each other, you
were watching from above, weren't you?
What do you feel when you watch your children killing each other? Does
your heart break? Do you turn and look away and pretend to be indifferent
while your heart is actually crying? What or who were you thinking of when
you created this universe? Were you lonely? Or am I being to bold? Am I
asking to many questions? Did you create us because you wanted someone
to share your heart with? But why am I assuming that you will love us dog
shit? You are God, and I am a dog shit. What right does the dog shit have to
love a God (not a God mind you, the one and only God actually)? Even less
right do we have to not love you. But perhaps all my words are simply empty
promises. I am becoming more and more like the Pharisees. Why why why
why? Longing to get closer, yet afraid of being disappointed, just like every
other friendship. You won't let me down I know, but I cannot accept it. Why
would you have died for me I do not know. You probably were dying for loyal
and faithful people like Abraham, Moses, Elijah... Still I suppose I must thank
you solely for the fact that you are in charge of my life. I suppose if it were in
any other hands it would be very dead indeed. Come to think of it, there'd
be no better way to sculpt my life. Too full of misfortune of course is bad. Too
full of fortune is also bad. If you had not allowed Adam and Eve to sin, the
world would be perfect. No one would know joy without having pain to compare
it with, no one would know what is bliss. No one would ever be satisfied or
dissatisfied. No one would have emotions. Most importantly, we would not
learn to love you, we would not be able to last in the face of challenges, we
would not know what love truly is(it was for sin - and love - that you died on
the cross).

When we turned back to you, you were watching over us from above, weren't you?





We went for CIP today! Lol it was quite scary at first. Peiwei kept saying there was this extra handsome guy. -.- Anyway my 'buddy' was Monica. She was very shy at first. Like, lol, Ruthanne gave this extra hard passage for them. In the end she didn't know anything and then she was like so sad. We tried doing the first two questions and mostly she was just nodding her head a bit and murmuring "Idununderstand". Aiya anyway, we attempted the first two mcq questions. i shouldn't say "we" because it was actually me talking only. Then I gave up and just stuck it in her notebook and asked her if she would rather colour or draw. Then after quite a long pause she nodded and mumbled "Mm" and ya. At first she was like don'tknowwhattodo and then she asked me where she should draw, what colours she should use, what she should draw. Then I was like "just draw whatever you like". And finally she drew a ship. The chimney was black, the top section greyish-purple and the bottom orange. Then after she drew she said " This is for you." I was like so happy ok! :) I didn't quite know how to respond. lol.
Anyway time flew by and one hour passed. I found out that she was actually 20! She didn't look 20! She looked less than 20! She looked like maybe... actually I don't know what age exactly I thought she was. Anyway we waved goodbye.
I think it was quite meaningful. I think I must thank God for letting me choose a nice person. Lol. Because apparently for Peiwei her dear Eugene was quite unresponsive and just kept nodding and saying "mm". And then there was this other person who used sign language to read out the newspaper article, and then there was this person who broke her father's table once or something and the father got totally angry haha.
I feel that I have accomplished something or something. Monica was actually rather shy and frightened and ashamed that she did not understand almost every word in the passage. But she's actually quite friendly and nice when she becomes a little more familiar with you. :))) I think I got one of the more responsive people haha. It was a very enjoyable experince (alliteration! :))

I need to buck up on chinese A LOT!!!! :( im 3% away from failing. Anyway thank you God for all that You have done. :) I do not know what to say. Too many emotions, too little words... ... What can you say to express what you feel? What words can replace what you feel?

Bittersweet.

Bittersweet.

Bittersweet... ...




and I almost failed my Chinese and the teacher actually said, "You improved!" Which is, surprisingly, not encouraging. And I'm sitting next to two Galileo Galileis! Peiwei got 89/110 for chinese whereas i got like 20 marks lower, and then Sheena got 76, and she's always better than me in everything and i feel pathetically small sometimes but sometimes my head goes strangely big and then i go weird. Anyway the only thing i can do well in is art so i must do well in art! :)

Oh and then there was the personality test our school gave us. I'm really an Assessor (Compliant-Influential) but then the calculated results was that my Stability is 0.065 points so i became a CIS, Mediator. I prefer Assessor cuz Charles Darwin, Thomas Edison, BILL GATES and an actor were all Assessors and I know its geeky but i want to become a scientist. The 16th president of United States as well as the 39th president were both mediators. I don't want to become a president. So much responsibility and burden. yikes. Sheena's a DIC (dominant-influential-compliant). A DICK. Haha. Anyway she's a Chancellor, whatever that is. And Peiwei is ISC, Governor. Ruthanne is Designer, which includes Mozart! i'm so jealous ^^. Anyway the results say I'm artistic but then I duno how they thought so. Charis is a high I. (P.S. Influential means your talkative skills and people skills. I know Charis is the former one.) I'm almost a high C too. I wanna be a pianist too :( I mean a professional one. Sigh. BB. Going for art lesson soon after lunch. And im gonna tag sheena and ruthanne's blog.

We went to esplanade yesterday (on Easter Sunday!) Like, I forgot my ticket and then i had to make everyone run around everywhere with me on an Amazing Race or something. I feel quite bad... Charis and Ruthanne felt like vomitting because we had McDonald's then i had to run from suntec city to esplanade! so far right?! :(
Anyway the concert hall was like quite small. Maybe half the size of our lecture theatre in NYGH. But i suppose then it's nice cuz otherwise cannot see the pianist or the piano or hear them properly. And do you know what was the piano? IT WAS THE STEINWAY & SONS!!!! GRANDPIANO... obviously. ARGGHHHH!!!!! It sound so nice :( I want a steinway & sons. Anyway, great pianos are only meant for great pianists. So sad... :(( How come my piano-playing so LOUSY? WHYWHYWHY... I wanna be good in piano or something... Anyway this kenneth hamilton guy is the senior lecturer of the university of birmingham. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PLAY LISZT AS WELL AS HIM! :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Anyway I liked the Chaconne in D minor (Bach-Busoni), Lullaby (Tchaikovsky-Rachmaninov), the Waltz from the Opera 'Faust' (Goune-Liszt) and the Hexameron (Liszt, Chopin and others). We must do a concert journal for HMP SIA so I hope i can remember the pieces.
So sad you know, in the end nobody really gave a united standing ovation, although I'm quite sure everybody felt he deserved it. I'm most probably going for the performance on Bach's Preludes. I'm not sure if I'm going for both though. And this person's the world's most famous living Bach player! But i cannot remember her name. If it's a her. I tried to find Kenneth Hamilton's age on Google but then don't have! He looks 30+ to 40+ though but i duno. His teachers were quite famous so I suppose it's got to do with your teacher being good or not. Nobody has actually rose to stardom with a teacher that's anonymous or Singaporean after all. I kinda understand why people choose to move out of Singapore once they become famous, but I feel rather sorry for Singapore.

Over the long Good Friday weekend, we went to watch some movies - Spiderwick and the Water Horse. Spiderwick was DAMN NICE ok? If u wanna watch a movie go watch Spiderwick. I duno how to explain. The brownie was like so cute, and gullible haha. Sorry Charis, but I really preferred Spiderwick to the Water Horse. We watched the Water Horse DVD yesterday and I really don't like that stupid Angus Macmorrow. I think he ruined the whole show. He is very selfish, did he not know that? He keeps saying the Water Horse is his, the best place for the Water Horse is for him to be with Angus. Like real. He's just plain selfish. When you let a friend go you cannot make him/her feel guilty about leaving. It'd be self-centred. Really. We should put on a smile and let them have no regrets, even though you're hurting inside. For another, friends are not for eternity and they'll leave you someday. Or you'll leave them. So one of the secrets to not getting disappointed is to never get your hopes high, remind yourself nothing is forever, tell yourself not to get too close (or your heart will definitely be broken in the end). For that matter, I feel I'm getting to close to my family and I'm not sure about my friends. Anyway back to the topic of degrading Angus. What in the world made him think that a legendary creature, THE Water Horse, would actually need him? "I don't care, it needs me! It's mine!" It's not his. It didn't need him. It would've been perfectly happy surviving in the wild, unrestrained by snivelling little humans and restrictions of being domestic.
Anyway. I suppose my prejudice against this kind of people ruined my outlook on the show, but I daresay yes, it is the kind of show Charis would like to watch. Thank you Charis for telling me about the show - it opened my eyes to myself and how I can prevent myself from becoming like Angus and deceive myself with an ultimate lie that anyone would need me at all, and also it helped me to remember that we cannot hold down people's dreams and ambitions because of our own dreams and that we should not ever assume we are the only people in the world who do not fit in. Everyone will fit in one way or the other and thinking otherwise will mean that we think we're special and above all the other measly weak people. That's also what I don't like about those Barbie doll shows (Fairytopia and all those things my sister likes to watch). It's ALWAYS this egotistical person who thinks he/she is very special and set apart from the others and then in the end they do something great like save the world, which really pisses me off, because a cygnet is not really ugly at first and therefore it can become a swan, but a crow baby will always be a crow, even if it thinks it can become a swan, it will always be black. But I am getting to hyped up over these mere things. They are simply fairytales, shows, figments of imagination. I used to be quite detached, if I am allowed to say it of myself, but I feel i am getting too emotional. All my foundations are being eroded by the waves of time. Sigh. That's stupid. Anyway my parents have commanded me to do my sister's homework for her so that's what I shall. Bye(even though obviously nobody's gonna read this stupid post).

Claire here
I am Claire. SOME people call me Little Red Riding Hood, Rabbit and Clairebear. I am 5 years old, turning 17. I love playing piano, eating chocolates, and slacking.
NYGH 07-10
HCI 2011
Christian
Pianist

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