A better tmr

Monday, August 27, 2007

I feel so ridiculously small. Whatever that I have, millions and zillions of other people in the world also have it. I wish to become an orchestral player and for a moment I just imagine myself performing there, part of an orchestra, playing music with the others for a cinematic movie. And I wondered if God would fulfil this. Then I think of the so many people out there, also wishing they could be great, could be orchestral players. Then I wonder what is the reason for God to even look at me. There's so many 'me's out there. I keep thinking I'm so important, like I keep thinking I'm the one and only Claire in this world. There's a million more, wearing a different face, that's all. Why should I be the one to get good stuff while the others suffer? And even if I did want to become an orchestral player, it's too late because I chose Guzheng as my CCA and guzhengs have no place at all at a concert, and my piano... well, so many people know piano, and so many play it better than me. And at the end of it all I think of the desk on which a mountainous pile of papers is towering above... If only there were no such thing as desk jobs.

At night I look at all the living rooms of the people living opposite me, lighted up with all sorts of different lamps, different people doing different things, different TVs showing different programs, different families chatting about different things and eating different dinners... I felt like I was drowning. Drowning. And no one came to save me.