Saturday, January 5, 2008
Lol my blog is getting dead. *haiix* it's like, there's some things you'd like to write but people will read it, and then when you set up ur own private blog it feels stupid talking to yourself. anyway i've realised how bad i've been (i know this sounds stupid), neglecting all my friends and all. I've been like i like you, then i don't like you and i like this other person. then after i don't like this other person too, so i like this other person... i'm trying to change currently. :( Then today the guzheng stand (for putting the scores) came apart and then my seniors were trying to help me fix it back and then there was this weird pole thing that shot out of the stand and bulls-eyed my senior's foot and then my other senior was like asking her whether she was okay and i was like "hah, so how" - thinking about the guzheng stand. It took me quite a moment to realise that i was supposed to be worried about my senior. Damn i feel so stupid. And i think i've been getting too focused on myself and my goals and my competitiveness. I'm the test experiment that failed. I've forgotten the ultimate goal - to serve God. When I play the piano, I think, "Sheena and Ruthanne are better than me. They think I'm lousy at it too. I think my piano must be longing for Sheena to play it again too." and then I don't feel like playing the piano anymore. Dang! When i was younger i told myself i'd use music to praise God and spread Christianity as it was probably the one thing i had even the slightest skill in. But after a year in HMP i wandered off the track thinking i was so good i didnt need the track. But i do need the track. And i need to stay on the track to lead my friends to God, and help other Christians and also let others help me.
It's all very well that God let me go into Guzheng. Then perhaps I can reach out to Chinese too. But I'm thinking too much. What makes me think that I'll ever be good enough for God to use me? He'd use Sheena or Ruthanne, and they're better Christians than me. God probably let me go into HMP to show me how stupid I really was to think that I could become a pianist. He probably almost failed me to show me how idiotic i was to think that I could become a Guzhengist. Anyway, becoming a performer isn't my goal is it? (at least not the one in spiritual life) I just hope I don't disappoint anybody anymore.
Anyway thank you Adelle for visiting my blog so frequently and actually reading my long-winded crap.
