Thursday, July 30, 2009
Went downstairs yesterday night/morning at 12 am to attempt to stroke the cat which was making a load of noise. It was a teenage cat i think. White with a black stubby tail. I waited patiently for forty minutes and got a stupid rectangular mosquito bite and did not manage to stroke the cat. And two people saw me and two cars saw me, squatting by the road -.- ultimate embarrassment i tell you.
Another weird dream. This time about my two cousins. I dreamt that they jumped off the kitchen balcony in the night and I saw the newspaper article with their dead pallid faces. They died not because of being squashed after falling, but because they were strangled by the bedsheets which were hanging out on the balcony as they fell. And the word "ghostly" kept appearing with the word "bedsheet" for don't know what reason. It was quite horrible because i really believed it somehow. Because i remembered thinking "I only just smsed her yesterday night!" which i did actually. As in it was a real memory in a dream. And i was feeling quite horrible and devastated ... but not sad. Maybe i was too shocked haha.
And i found out my friend dreamt of bees. Haha don't know what she was doing with them. She was probably trying to steal honey or used a volleyball to knock the beehive out of the tree.
And i think i've finally come to terms with the unchangeable fact that I was never, have never been, am not and will never be good at piano. As Peiwei's piano teacher said - I have to be more realistic. He obviously thinks i will not be able to make it to the competition finals any more. Not that i can of course. But when your self-doubts are confirmed by your teacher... I think he has given up on me... Wow I'm so frank! Oh and i just saw the nailclipper that i was trying to find for months. -.- Anyway somehow... I'm kind of glad that he didn't fire me. But i cannot live up to anybody's expectations anymore. I can't even live up to my own. And I really don't want to lose my life to studies. Life is more than just about books, algebra, ancient chinese literature, molecules and particles. Life... is the deepest desires of man's soul, the loftiest towers of man's ambitions and dreams, the widebare space - the white silence - that loneliness brings, the beautiful desolation of the pure, radiant moonlight falling like silk onto the sleeping murderous sea... I want to travel around the world, see all the wonders the world has to offer, throw myself into the lost paradise of music, forget about all the responsibilities and limitations, shake off all the rusty chains of restrictions and old familiar hauntings of long-lost emotions, wipe out all the hurt, erase all my memories of failures and of all the things I could never have...
But I should be more realistic.
More realistic.
Damn it all.
Why, God?
WHY
