Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I've finally managed to face my failure after seven months. Yes I've been harping on my failure to get through the first round of the national piano and violin competition =.= I know I played badly, but I only know it was in terms of notes. I'd been wishing all along in my heart that they eliminated me only because of my technique and not because I didn't have enough emotions, because I don't have anymore to give, and I really don't want people to be unable to feel my love for music (because that would mean I don't love music). It's harder to learn how to play emotionally than how to play technically - it's either you have emotions or you don't.
Recently (but before the Europe trip) went to find Julie Tan. My mum told her about my not being able to get through quarter finals for the competition =.= at that point in time Julie Tan seemed to feel it was because I didn't go into details enough. She said I had the '材料' to get into YST. But still came out miserable because I was reminded by my failure to get through the first (damn) round of the competition and of my severe inability to strike conversation - and partially because I doubted details made such a difference so that they would be the only factor not letting me through the quarter finals.
More recently I went to find Mr Loh. He accepted me. I suppose this was what made me look up from my failure. I know he probably accepted me because he couldn't find the straightforwardness to turn me away. Anyway thank God though :) I don't know where I would've gone to find a teacher after that. Anyway the first two lessons I've had with him has been Hell in a nutshell. He was very nice and all, but I came out of each lesson feeling like crap :( He seems to be the opposite of wang laoshi. Wang laoshi either shouts at you or turns red in the face, but Mr Loh goes freaking cold and sarcastic. Perhaps not as sarcastic as Wang laoshi but... it's just freezing :( Well I'm sorry but my two stupid hands just don't coordinate and don't coordinate with the stupid metronome! :( AND I CAN'T PLAY WITH THE FREAKING COLD ATMOSPHERE. Okay excuses :( Truth is he made a mistake in taking me in. I'm like sandstone among the gemstones. But I really don't want to be fired. On the other hand I don't want to keep on giving him heart attacks/high blood pressure (even though I probably gave wang laoshi more high blood pressure, judging from his face - but wang laoshi's younger). And the worst thing is that I made Mr Loh wait for me last lesson =.= >.< I was in Europe and I think I didn't bring it across clearly enough... Omg. Anyway he "let it go this time". Omg omg omg it sounded so intimidating :x He smsed me at like 12 midnight to ask me why I didn't turn up for lesson - shock sia :( I was still watching movies on SIA during lesson time. AND my stupid timing meant that I smsed him back at like 01:28 am - probably when he was asleep. Omg I must remind myself never to sms in early mornings no matter how shocked I am.
And sadly, I'm SICK of my mozart and my chopin etude :( They're getting NOWHERE. My mozart is still as haphazard and sloppy as ever (and I'm genuinely losing interest in it as a bonus), and my Chopin's notes are still tripping over one another and slipping like Peiwei in concerts (stupid pun here - slipping->sleeping). And I'm starting to feel mechanical when I play the etude. ARGH. For Mr Loh's blood pressure and health, I must GANBATTE faster. AHHH.
